Friday, 21 August 2009


W E L C O M E 
to the 
 M a n i f e s t o

My mate Euan, he knows lots of stuff, me, I keep my head in the sand and let the world take care of itself. The other day I got a card telling me to vote and I asked Euan to enlighten me about one of the parties.

"What does 'BNP' stand for?" I asked.

"Bright New Pants," Euan replied without hesitation.

"What's their Manifesto?" I asked.

"Simple," Euan said, "Britain for the British."

"Ah," I said, adding, "what do they mean by that?"

"Highland, Lowland, Pict, Celt, Scot, Gael, Briton, Welsh, Cornish, Irish, Anglo, Saxon, Friesian, German, Norman, Roman, Latin, Jew, Norse and Spanish."

I counted them off on my fingers as he spoke, all twenty of them.

"I may have missed some," he added.

"Spanish?" I asked.

"A lot of people can trace their ancestry back to the shipwrecked survivors of the Spanish Armada, so, yes, Spanish."

"What about the descendents of those who were brought against their will back in the 1700s?" I asked.

"They don't count, too recent," Euan replied.

"You mean 1688 is the cut-off point?"

"Something like that." Euan seemed to know his stuff.

"What about the descendents of those who were brought against their will before 1688?" I countered.

"They don't count either," Euan grinned.

"Why ever not?" I frowned.

Euan shrugged, "pick 'n' mix, once the Bright New Pants are in power they can make the rules any way they like."

"With such multi-cultural diversity in our heritage, we ought to find a name for what truly defines, 'British’," I said.

"Quite," said Euan, "how about: 'HLPCSGBWCIASFGNRLJS'?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"Or, 'HiLoPiCeScoGaBriWeCoIrAngSaFriGeNoRoLaJeSpa'?" I replied.

"Or," Euan began, finger raised, "oh never mind." He dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. We laughed.

"Their manifesto?" I asked again.

"Ah yes," Euan continued, "all British citizens, as defined above, will have their passports confiscated in order to ensure that our precious British stock remain where they belong."

"Sure?" I asked, incredulous.

"Sure, it has to happen," Euan asserted, “we can’t allow our glorious heritage to be dissipated across the globe, they have to be kept here.”

"Logical, I suppose," I nodded.

"Passenger planes and ships transporting Britons abroad and bringing foreigners to our shores will be banned. Only UK registered freight vessels and vehicles will be allowed to transport goods," Euan said.

"What about defence contracts involving the purchase of foreign-made instruments of war?" I asked.

"Cancelled," said Euan, "too risky."

"I see," said I.

"All restaurants serving food other than porridge, neeps, tatties, kippers & haggis, leeks, Yorkshire pudding, Sunday roast or similar 'True Brit' dishes will be forcibly closed and their proprietors deported," said Euan.

"Does that mean that anyone caught eating rice, Soya beans, maize, popcorn, curry, chilli powder, Sushi or spaghetti will be fined, jailed or deported too?" I asked.

"Absolutely, otherwise they will be accused of inconsistency," said Euan. "Newsagents and grocers owned by non-Brits will likewise be shut down," he continued.

“Who invented ‘Fish ‘n’ Chips’?” I asked, “wasn’t that brought in by the Italians?”

“Could be, if so, they’re out, off the menu.” Euan looked serious.

"What about someone whose father is English with Scots and Irish ancestors but whose mother is German with French and Russian in the family tree?" I asked.

"Anyone who has parents or grandparents whose blood-line is less than 70% HiLoPiCeScoGaBriWeCoIrAngSaFriGeNoRoLaJeSpa will be deported or ordered to wear a tag," Euan said.

"Hang on a mo' though," I said, "Britain issued British passports to all subjects coming under British rule, including Indians, Chinese and, well, all sorts."

“Pick ‘n’ mix,” Euan shrugged, “once in power, the entire population of Britain will be required to parade past the potentate who will choose, ‘In, in, out, in, out, in, out, out, out,’ and so on.”

“Shake it all about,” I smirked.

“Quite,” said Euan, “we’re half way there already, look how we treated Hong Kong.” Euan smiled, I pouted my lip, “we let them go to Australia where they gave the economy a much-needed boost.”

I had to agree. British passport holders forced to emigrate to a former colony because the motherland wouldn't let them in, something to do with fear of overcrowding I think.

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